A Soldier's Perspective

A Religion of Healing (A Nigerian Scam)

I haven't done one of these in a LONG time. I'm still getting these scam emails on a daily basis. So many of them are just aching for a beating. I write these people back and pretend I'm interested in their "proposals" or excited to have "won" millions of dollars in a lottery I didn't enter. Here's my latest counter-scam (I begin with the pitch, then read my response):

Subject: Can You Do This For Me??
From: "Mrs Sarah Usman"

My Dearest,
May God be praised!!!

I am Mrs. Sarah Usman. I am married to Ahmed Usman of blessed memory who worked with Kuwait embassy in Madrid Spain for nine years, but living in Nigeria. Before he died in the year 2002, We were married for eleven years without a child he died after a brief illness that lasted only four years. Before his death he was a very devoted Muslim and I was a voted Christian by birth battling with both cancer and fibroid problems when my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $5.5M (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) with a bank here in Nigeria.

Presently, this money is still with the bank and Recently, my doctor told me that I had a terminating illness (cancer) that would last for the next four months. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness, having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a Christian or Muslim organization or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want this organization or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund
churches, mosques, orphanages, widows and also propagating the word of God and to ensure that the society upholds the views and beliefs of the holy book The holy book emphasized so much on the giving of alms, charity and this has encouraged me in taking this bold step.

I took this decision because I don't have any child to start from and where I will stop and I don't want my husband hard earned money to be misused by people that call me an unbeliever. I don't want a Situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with God in the highest and the most merciful one.

I don't need any telephone communications but will only give you the contact of my lawyer Barr. Victor Obi because he is the one who is going to assist you in making you the beneficiary of the consignment in the finance and security firm. With God, I know that all things are possible and as soon as I receive your reply through my lawyer I will now give him instruction to make you the beneficiary of the consignment and all necessary steps to take before receiving these funds and I shall also give you the contact of the bank I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original beneficiary of the funds. I want you and the community where you reside to always pray for me.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted person though married to a Muslim, whoever that wants to serve God must serve him in truth and in spirit, please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in or a devoted person for the same purpose. Until I hear from you my dreams will rest squarely on your shoulders, may the Almighty God continue to guide and protect you Amen. However you can reach me immediately on this my alternetive mail:
[email deleted]@yahoo.co.uk

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Sarah Usman.
NB: BARRISTER VICTOR OBI HAS BEEN A LONGTIME FRIEND OF THE FAMILY AND I CAN VOUCH FOR HIS SINCERITY.

Now, this was just one email I couldn't ignore. I wrote back and told her basically that I'd love to help her, but I can't. Here's why:

Mrs Sarah Usman,

I'm willing to help you but I have one problem. My religion forbids me from helping people who do not belong to my church. I help people with these problems all the time, but they usually share religious beliefs with me. You would have to make some religious changes before I could assist you in this endeavor. Please let me know if you're willing to go forward.

Signed,
Mr. David Sneakers

Of course, they have a scam to perpetrate, so they're more than willing to help:

Dearest Mr. David Sneakers.

You talk about religion and beleive, and never tell what is all about and how I can belong to it, I mean the name of the religion and how I can belong since I need a help. Can you religion heal my illness?.

waiting.
Mrs Sarah Usman.

As "Mrs Sarah Usman" is still nibbling on my hook, I add more bait as I reel this fish in:

Mrs Sarah Usman,

My religion is one of healing. It's a newly discovered religion based off of old texts found in the frozen antarctic tundra. The religion is 2468 years old, but was taken from the earth by our God, Patriotius. It wasn't until the early 1700's that the scrolls were discovered. Just touching the sacred scripture has healed epilepsy in elephants, mange in monkeys, and hair loss in humans.

Before becoming a follower of Patriotius, I had a rare case of enlarged finger glands. It was difficult to eat, bathe and use my remote control. After chanting the sacred text of Patriotius and touching the scripture, I was healed instantly. People all around me were amazed. Listen to what my friends said:

Mark S.: "David, your fingers are shrinking before my eyes."
Stephany V.: "Someone get David a remote control. He has TV to watch."
Sarah R.: "It's like David just got new fingers on his old hands."
Michael H.: "David, your llama ate my Pop-Tarts!!"

They were all instantly converted, except Michael. He never forgave me when my llama ate his breakfast. At least I still have you. You too can join this miraculous religion and make it possible to both be healed and get my help. I really want to help you, but we live by a code. Are you willing to recite the scroll?

David Sneakers

I'm anxiously awaiting the response. Thanks to Patriot for forming my religious deity!! I do these in the hopes that not one more person falls prey to these idiots.