Things NOT To Say To A Military Wife
February 20th, 2008 by Admin
Emily sent this to me and noted how much she agrees with these. You've probably seen some version of this.
1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been
dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.)
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.)
9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets antoher big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.)
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)
12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)
13. "Well in my opinion….."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)
Last, but not least….
14. "OH, that's horrible…I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)
If you want to say anything, say thank you. After all, we are sexually deprived for your freedom
Not an military wife, and my dad didn't ever have to go to a war zone (German linguist/MI from '64 to '91), but I think this list is great…
Ugh! There should be some sort of loop hole that gives military spouses and families a free "pass" to deck these people. Respectfully, of course!
I am continually amazed week after week as I travel through the Atlanta airport and hear some of the ignorant comments and questions people say to our military personnel.
ARGH!
I'm sensing a lot of resentment from the spouse community. Is it really that bad?
YES – It is that bad! The stupidest thing anyone ever said to me was when I was asked why I don't just go visit my husband in Afghanistan. That's right up there with people that find out where my husband is and they say that they thought Obama was going to bring them all home. Iraq is NOT Afghanistan…..duh. YES – the general public is ridiculously ignorant. Visit my husband in Afghanistan……honestly!?!
While there may be a number of the general public who "don't get it", there are more that do. I'm guessing those that don't obviously aren't very educated. I can honestly say that in 25 years of being a military spouse I have never gotten any of those questions/responses. If you are, then you may want to reconsider the company you keep!
It is not necessarily the company that you keep,but the area that you are in. I never got the ignorant comments until I moved back home and it is simply b/c no one arounnd here has any military affiliation and so theyr just do not know any better. I have encountered many ridiculous comments and I have been a military wife for 12 years now.
Hey ladybug thank you and God bless you and your husband for your service to this country. I am a Marine Veteran who did NOT serve in any wars but I am VERY appreciative for all of you who did. I say ALL of you because I know that a solder needs as much prayer and tangible support that they can get.
I salute you all.
Clarence
LT, I don't think it's really that bad, but I've heard some dumb comments too. This is mainly in jest, but let's face it – all jokes are rooted in some form of reality.
People say stupid things all the time. For some reason they issue stupid licenses with a drivers license to some people. God Bless our Military and God Bless those who wait.
For those of us who occasionally run into people with military spouses deployed, can someone give some thought about the best things to say? The only thing I've said, which I don't think came off dumb or stupid or insensitive is to say, "I'll keep him/her in my prayers". I'm one NYC liberal who'd like to show support.
Thanks and God bless our troops!
David
"I'll keep him/her in my prayers" is perfect!
David, I think a simple, "Thank you for your service and please pass along my gratitude to your husband for what he does for this country" wouldn't hurt anyone. Your comment would be fine as well. You're one who understands, that's for sure!!
These are the kind of things that make you stop and think "What was going through your head when you said that?"
OMgosh….too Funny…thanks Emily and CJ for the good chuckles this am!!
I first saw a similar list when my husband left in Feb '07 It made me laugh and cry all at the same time. It's good to know how other people understand what you are going through and that the replies you're saying in your head are not just only in your head – others are thinking them too!
The most ignorant comment I heard was when I was out to lunch with a couple of co-workers and someone asked if I had heard from my hubby recently. Someone else asked, why, where was he (since I hadn't sent out a company-wide memo announcing his deployment.) I told her, and she replied,"Well, I wish MY husband would go away for a year," complaining to the wrong person about how he just sits around or whatever. I was in shock and just said looking her dead in the eye, "No, you don't."
Freakin Awesome!
I put the link on a dutch Military wives page.
and they all love it!
Re: #1
The difference between cancer and being a soldier is one is voluntary.
Here's a question for a military wife:
Why does your husband put the military above you and his family?
Tom,
It'd be nice if you weren't such an easy troll to stomp away.
I have never met anyone in the military that puts his job before his wife and family.
Tom,
To be in the military is to protect his "wife and family", so I don't really see how that question applies.
My husband fights for "Toms" freedom…He is deploying to Iraq on Nov 12, for his second tour over there, I might add. Tom, my friend, tell me, please…honestly, can you say you fought against the people who attacked our country???
Liberal suckers…sorry for you!
So, "Tom" is one of those people we were just about…
They always say the silent ranks is the toughest job in the service. I believe that fully.
Being "just a girlfriend" entitles me to NOTHING, no information or anything…none of his belongings here to keep me less lonely, his mother gets the comfort of his clothes hanging in the closet and his room with all his stuff.
Complitely agree with the last one… I'm a girlfriend (by the way we live in different countries).And it is really incredibly hard..Because you have no any information and even have no right to get this information because you are oficially NOBODY to him….Well, you even don't know when he will return and everything you have is great hope to see him once again and you make life to continiou…
I hope Tome will never feel this….Respectfully to all militaryes and his close ppl
Here are my favorites… "Doesn't he realize how hard it is on you when he's away?" My response was yes, he does but it's harder on him.
"How can he do that to your children?" My response- how can he fight for my childrens right to grow up in a free country? I dont know how can your husband sit at home and let others decide the fate of your childrens nation? (I get nasty looks on that one)
"You let him do this?" Response- Well yeah, both of us would be doing it but we feel that one of us should stay home with the kids since they aren't allowed in combat zones.
Trust me, when the spouses are on deployment, besides the mission, family is always on their minds. Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen do what they do for their famalies and their country.
I was one that would say some of those things. Now my husband is in basic training and I can begin to understand the reverse side.
Very nice list!!!!!
Soldier Hard
God Bless this country and our ability to have these conversations! I'll welcome my husband home with open arms knowing that he'll go back to the middle east again, but I make the most of the time we have together. The world wouldn't need soldiers if we all lived our lives this way! I pray for our new President everyday that he might find a better, even though I voted for the other guy! Steadfast and Loyal, HOOAH!!!
I am military wife and reading this list made both my husband and I laugh. I have found myself faced with these questions from people and thought to myself these people must be crazy to ask me such things. For you who don't understand, my husband has a job to do and does it very well. And all of his loved ones wait and pray for his save return. Yes it is hard on us but we support him in every way because we know he loves what he does and is honored to protect our and YOUR way of life.
GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALL WHO DEFEND HER!!!!!
Hi,
This is great! And I hear it every week..
I'm from the Netherlands, and our community of militairy wives totally agrees with you! We all put it on our websites and hope it will help NOT to hear this so much..
Keep up! Greets from the Netherlands..!
Tom…if you still read any of these…you should be punched in the mouth! Obviously you dont understand the military at all and obviously no one close to you has served in the military. There are THOUSANDS of soldiers deployed every year to ensure safety and freedom for the United States. My husband is currently deployed and I am also in the Army and did a 15 month deployment previously. Do you think that military members enjoy leaving their families for a year? Do you think they enjoy not seeing their child born, or miss their first word, or the firt time they walk? THEY DONT ENJOY IT AT ALL!!! Do you think they enjoy being in a war zone on Christmas? OF COURSE NOT!!! But sacrafice is something that soldiers do. Instead of talking shit about the soldiers that are defending your freedom to say dumb shit, why dont you try SUPPORTING the troops!
I think there are some great points here, and the humor tops it off. Good for comedy! The one about the golf course and Afghanistan is my favorite.
As one who is not a military wife, but is deeply grateful for the sacrifices military families make day after day, year after year…please accept my apology on behalf of all the stupid people who have made stupid comments such as the ones listed.
I'm not sure if I've ever made a statement like that, but if I did it was out of genuine interest and concern, and certainly not meant to cause frustration, anger, resentment. How about a list of what people SHOULD say to military wives?
THANK YOU for all you do. I know my freedom, and that of my children, is being defended right now by brave men and women in uniform…and the families who support them.
As a military daughter, #3 was the most irksome for me to hear. My dad deployed to Iraq when I was 12, right at the start of the fighting there and he deployed to Afghanistan when I was 16. The best response I found for that was "Well, I don't know. He didn't get his Purple Heart in Iraq. That's from Afghanistan."
Hey!!! This list is just great!! I'm a 'brat'. Dad was in the Army and deployed. No spouse, but I also beleive this is an awesome list. I've even used some of those respones in defensive of some of my married military spouses! Once again list!!!
Canadian military spouses love this list as well. I live in a military community so I don't get alot of those questions or comments but when I go and visit my non military friends, I hear alot of this list. I want sooo much to refer them to this list.
my husband just left for his 1st tour 2 weeks ago, hes in afghanistan and i have had the statement made to me well he signed up for this… and i agree he did sign up for the marines but he didnt sign up to possibly die… my husband is sooo stubborn that he would fight tooth and nail to come home and see me and our son… there are sooo many ignorant arrogant bastards out there that run there mouths like its kewl and they dont know shit… my husband and many others are called baby killers, murderers and rapists and you know the crappy part is these are the people that our men/women are protecting, these are the people that our men/women are dying for and these people can give 2 flying fucks about the freedoms they have…. i really hate half the US population because they are the bleeding hearts and the jerk-offs that think its ok to say the shit they say…. i love and miss my husband alot and im counting down the days till he comes home, and honestly the sooner he gets home the better cuz i know he will keep me from beatin the piss out of some of these people that abuse their freedom
May I add 'What is verboten for a military wife to say to her spouse."
"Well – at least i wasn't over there somewhere killing people!"
Yes, I listened as a military wife spit this out at 'her man'. Yes i wanted to belt her but the pained look on her husband's face did not move her, so a face slap would have had little effect.
An aside – Read Doug Stanton's 'Horse Soldiers'. He writes documented events of just a little of what our wonderful, beautiful men encounter 'over there somewhere'.
This list is great. There are so many people who just don't get it. Find more pet peeves and list of things to say and do to an army wife by clicking the link next to my photo.
yup, that about sums it up. I've only heard a couple of them personally, but I could totally see someone saying every single one of them and then some. I'm sure we could continue adding on to the list for years to come. Another personal favorite….has he killed anyone? Oh I'm so excited you've asked me the question that burns my heart everyday….none of your damn business.
I love this list. I was trying to find something to put of my site and i love this. I'm an army wife, and i hate these questions. i wish people would just relized that we don't like to answer them.
the worst comment I got was actually from someone who used to be in the military. On Veteran's day, he said to me, "Hopefully, your fiance never comes to visit me…. I work in the national cemetery" -
On the positive side, I have been talking to soldiers in airports and other public places and our conversations have been interrupted multiple times by people saying, simply, "Thank you for your service." They would say the same things to spouses if they could.
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Hello, Soldier Hard back here again! I will post this on my site this is great!!! I am currently on my 3rd deployment in my 6th months, another 6 months i am done! i just wanted to stop by and let ALL THE MILITARY WIVES and GIRL FRIENDS, that i made 3 songs dedicated for all of you, i know what you all go thru and its soooooo hard! no anyone can do it! so i offer you all to download and or listen to
1. The Military Wife
2. THe Military Wife Part 2 (NEW)
3. I Miss You Letter (NEW)
You can listen to these songs and download them FOR FREE at soldierhard.com or myspace.com/soldierhard1
I speak the truth and i tell the world what you women go thru!!!
your friend
Soldier Hard
US ARMY ARMOR CORPS
My dads military and if any one said #8 to me i would straight out punch them in the face.
fer real that would piss me off to no end.