Inner Resistance or Don't Forget The Families
July 25th, 2009 by Admin
I guess I could call this part III of my recovery. Earlier, I wrote about how I've been wrestling with inner turmoil for quite some time. I think I've largely been winning, but wrestling nonetheless (I was a wrestler in high school, so that may be helping). Throughout the years, I've learned how to cope with the hardest parts and other parts were no big deal.
Last week, I went to my first appointment with a local psychologist. My intent isn't to necessarily bare my soul here. It was hard enough to do in that office. My intent is to be an example to others that may be dealing with issues related to their combat experiences that they may be hiding.
The Army DOD has made it clear that they are trying to remove the stigma related to PTSD. It's a fundamental shift in attitude and mentality that must occur from the top down in order for it to be effective. A few weeks ago, I spoke with one of the assistants to General Chiarelli who is a LTC. She told me her experiences with PTSD which are encouraging considering that she is a Field Grade officer. She was likewise nervous about "coming out" about her PTSD issues.
I also don't want to get into this stupid debate about "you were only a signal guy or an MI guy, what are you so screwed up about?" Getting shot at, mortared, or having an IED blow up beside your truck doesn't care what MOS you hold. It affects us all differently. And, yes, there are some people simply looking for sympathy or a handout with claims of PTSD, but those will get flushed out in due time. PTSD is not an easy thing to fake, I would think. Maybe I'm wrong.
The bottom line is that I'm a senior NCO in the Army who takes an active role in his Soldiers' and civilians' lives. I impress upon them the importance of taking care of themselves. I've discussed suicide prevention and PTSD with them till I was blue in the face. But, all of that means nothing if I can't lead by example. How can I convince these troops to seek help and not worry about their clearances or jobs while inside I'm ignoring my own advice.
For over six years, my wife has endured uncomfortable nights of sleep while the man next her jerks, flails, tosses, and turns all night long while feeling powerless to help. I've woken up too many nights to an empty bed because it's easier for her to sleep on the couch instead of waking me up from the little sleep I'm able to scrounge up at night.
For over six years, Emily has learned to recognize when my inner temper is flaring up; to pull me aside before I absolutely explode or lash out. I'm not a physically abusive father, but I lose my temper too easily with my kids. The little things that are just the dumbest excuses in the world will set me off. Later, I just feel like the biggest ass because something so small as not closing a door or leaving something on the stairs sets me off.
I struggle with a deep sense of failure that my kids don't feel like they can come to me with their problems because my response is usually "suck it up and deal with it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." What a weak response and utter lack of love and compassion for a father to have towards kids who are learning to cope with life! It pierces my very soul when my kids are calling for mom and when she isn't around I ask what they need. Instead of telling me what is bothering them, they say they don't want to tell me because I'll "just get mad at them."
Regardless of whether or not I wanted to set an example for those Soldiers out there reading this that are going through the same thing, I NEED to find my family again. My issues have caused them to adjust their lives as much as mine. They have had to alter how they speak to me or behave around me. The families are just as much affected by PTSD as the Soldier who is afflicted with it. They cannot be forgotten.
Probably one of the factors that helped me cope these past few years is patience and love. The patience and love provided by wife and kids has been met with constant apathy. But, I've made the decision to finally allow that patience to pay off. My family is more important to me than anything in this life except my God. Even if the Army weren't serious about legitimately helping troops and wanted to use this to ruin my career, I simply don't care.
The good news is that the Army IS serious about this. Secretary Gates has put in black and white in no uncertain terms that seeking mental help will NOT affect your clearance. Seeking help with mental issues is NOT a weakness. Walking into that building last week and being surrounded by junior troops was a LOT harder than simply continuing through life hoping I live to see my grandchildren. Baring my soul to a complete stranger wasn't exactly on my list of the funnest things to do in life. But, it had to be done.
So far, I think I've had good command support. I am being given the time I need to navigate this road to recovery and normalcy. They have shown me that they understand the Army's intent. To be honest, I wasn't so sure at first. And only time will tell, but I'm convinced so far that I didn't make the wrong decision, as least as far as my career goes. And I honestly believe the Army wants to help us get through this the best way possible.
Posted in Military Perspective, PTSD Perspectives
CJ,
I'm praying for you. Even though she may sleep on the couch, I want you to know that you're lucky to have a woman that supports you while you suffer so. Remember to thank her when she least expects it. You're a good guy.
PT
A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.” John Maxwell.
I am very proud of the leader and the man you are. Much peace to you and your family, CJ.
Glad you're doing this, CJ. If there really are disadvantages, I'm hopeful the advantages will outweigh them. Hugs to you & the family. God Bless!
Dear CJ,
This was a most reassuring post, as my husband is wanting to switch from the Navy to the Army, but is worried about a period when he had suicidal thoughts. He spoke to his chaplain and to a psychologist and was perscribed anti-depressants and then an evaluation after a year. He is worried that the Army won't accept him, or if they do, that the OCS program won't see him as a fit candidate (he has completed his BS in the Navy). What do you hear? Should we be worried about this? Thank you again for your heartfelt post.
Regards,
Byron's Daughter, Renee
CJ,
So glad that you are seeking help for this! It may be hard but it will help you in the long run. God Bless You as you heal and God Bless your family as well!
CJ, I am new to your site and my opinions, observations and advice may be discounted because I have not been in combat and had a fairly normal tenure in the Navy. But I, too, suffer from non-combat related PTSD. There are many forms of the diseases, but each one has its effects on others. The good thing is you realize how it is affecting your family and, with practiced and patience and prayer, this can be overcome. The other good things is what better leader to have than someone who actually knows what your men are going though? You can understand and relate and give counsel from actual experience and, in turn, receive more respect and loyalty from your men. And another good thing, I believe, is something our Viet Nam vets didn’t have. A Blog! The more you talk about your inner demons, the less they will fester inside your head. You are not judged here. You can write about your feelings and receive support from a grateful gaggle of readers. Some of them may even have good ideas and comments that will help you. Good luck in your new journey.
The only bad thing is, you are still Army and stand a good chance of seeing more bad shit. I hope that does not negate any good that has come from your therapy. And I admire your courage in undertaking this treatment. It’s not easy, but what in life is…and to quote your comments to your kids, suck it up, it’s for your family.
For better or worse, I failed to seek help when I crawled outa the boonies back in '68. I think you're probably taking the correct approach & will accomplish more in a few years than I have in many.
For me, writing about the ordeal seemed the most productive method of getting the crap out of my gut. Hopefully, blogging will prove likewise for you.
Talk to anyone who wants to help. Perhaps such folks are not as few & far between as they once were. "Shedding a few" is good, as well — & there's nothing wrong with admitting that REAL men do cry.
Several notes of caution —
Be careful with medications. I know a vet who did three tours in Marine Recon & they gave him so many meds that he literally has gallon jars filled with excess. I don't know why he "collects" them. Hopefully, things have changed in recent years & they're only prescribing what is actually needed.
Don't go to my site out of curiosity. It wouldn't be an uplifting experience.
Best of luck! God Bless! And God Bless America!
I understand only too well. I'm here to listen if you need. It's hard, painful work and some days you have to force yourself with everything you have to do it but it can be done. And you will be better for it. Safe travels, friend.
CJ
I am so happy to hear you are seeking assistance for your problem. You deserve the best care they can give you. I know you and Emily can overcome this in time. She can be a big help to you by being understanding and available to listen when you need someone which I am sure she does already.
Being a wife of a Special Forces soldier for so many years; I am here to tell you that our sons were raised quite strictly. Military "brats" used to be raised with more pressure than other children. There were times when I would interfere between my husband and our boys; when I thought he was treating them like a Pvt. I would step in and ease the situation. But I think a lot of that is just normal from being military minded. Our sons turned out to be the BEST in my book.
Anyway I am praying for you to have complete recovery real soon.
God Bless you and your family!
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
Hey, thanks everyone for your comments and support. I know I don't have to, but for those out there that want to turn this into something political, I don't want sympathy, reward, benefit, or fame. I'm just finally taking care of myself and hoping that by talking about it publicly others will follow that and seek the help they need so they can contribute positively to society and the military.
ComicCon has popped to a mainstream event, as America gets in touch with its inner nerd.
WTF does that mean?
CJ – You and I are acquainted but not what I would call friends…but you are a brother. I will give you and your readers a little "background." As a Vietnam vet, I can tell you that PTSD was basically unknown during that period. It was called shell shock and those who suffered from it were called pussies. We sucked it up (if we could, and I did) or told it to a priest (chaplin). It cost me my wife and children ('cause I was a TOTAL asshole) and my children and I did not see each other for over 30 years. To this day, I have nights when I'm VERY vocal, although not violent, and my wife sleeps on the couch as well. Much, no, most of this I will not remember the next morning, and there have been times when I have done or said some ugly shit. Go for it, brother. Don't end up at 60+ as a vet addicted to booze and cigarettes like me. While I'm functional, it still ain't pretty. I just sucked it up and you know me well enough to know that I told a ranger one time to tell his problems to a priest 'cause I had problems of my own and didn't want to deal with his.
Doc
C.J.,
It must have been very difficult for you to make the decision to seek help, and it must been a hard topic to write about. I am the daughter of a PTSD-afflicted Korean War vet. He did not seek help – in those days, nobody did. My father did not survive his PTSD. It has taken me more than 30 years to find the courage to address this from my own perspective. You have shown great courage now, while your children and wife have you. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.
CJ,
I haven't walked your road, but have been through my own trials and I know the value of the family. I'm praying for you to keep on walking. You're not only helping yourself, but those that follow you.
NY-David
"Your Favorite Liberal"
I know you had your resons for deleting the last post, but I thought it was excellant.
You are stronger than you think you are, and you can do this. Just wanted to let you know you have my support.
CJ, I know this was not an easy decision. I heard you talk about it on You Served Radio. All the best to you and your family. Thanks for all the things you do.
Excellent and a truly valuable example to your men. There are so many different styles of counseling, I'm very interested in what works for who. I guess I'm suggesting that if it doesn't feel right with your first counselor, shop around. I understand that "Give an Hour" is under utilized and offers insulation from military records, etc.
Would welcome a chance to hear how it goes for you. We have a "friend" in common.
Hi,
I'm so glad you did this. I think going to the first one is harder. Making the commitment to stick with it for a long period of time is the next hurdle you will have to clear. In other words, you must go back. Eventually, I hope you will make it a family thing to help all of you learn new ways to cope with stress.
I've been working with mental health issues on behalf of my autistic son for years. In addition, I married into a crazy family, hence, ended up with a lot of confusion about their vast field of depression.
There's a reason I put the NAMI widget at the very top of my blog.
NAMI is free. It's open to caretakers as well as those with issues. It's in most communities. I can't tell you how much support this Saturday group has been. They even do things like work with police departments to tell the cops how to respond to a mental health 911 calls.
I know from years of toiling that the stigma against mental health will only be toppled when more "suck it up" or "life is just a shopping trip" types get on the ball and walk the talk. That is, going to get help, putting the word out about resources, and most of all –encouraging the families to partake in the process of therapy as well.
I'm very very proud of you. And proud of Emily for helping your through this.
My best to all.
[...] moment of pause he needed to get him through. I had seen CJ's post in March; around June or July, CJ himself came to grips with his own need to reach out for professional help and was diagnosed [...]