Why Me?
July 29th, 2009 by Admin
As you can tell, I haven't been writing a lot lately. To tell the truth, I haven't really felt like it. But, I've also been busy with a training week. We worked through the past two weekends and I'm REALLY looking forward to this Saturday for my first day off in a few weeks. I'm not complaining though. Guys in Iraq and Afghanistan go months with a day off.
Today, I had my second appointment with my psychologist. Originally, he was going to complete a command assessment, but I have to go to another post in Georgia for that. Not really sure why and neither is my doc. But, I'll do whatever it takes. The road time will be much needed.
What I don't want to turn this blog into is a constant repetition of PTSD issues. There's a lot going in the military and national security world that needs to be talked about – like the release of GITMO detainee Mohammed Jawad to Afghanistan. Jawad is accused of attacking two American soldiers and their Afghani translator in Afghanistan in 2002 by tossing a grenade at them. Instead of getting myself all wrapped up in that, I'll publish what Vets For Freedom Chairman, Pete Hegseth, said about the release since I agree with him on this:
“The lives of our troops and the safety of our nation should be of paramount concern to the Obama Administration, not an afterthought. Today’s decision to release yet another trained terrorist shows a lack of consideration for the risks our war-fighters take to help bring insurgents and terrorists to justice.
Jawad’s treatment as a prisoner was unfortunate. However, his treatment does not exonerate him from throwing a grenade at American troops. America cannot afford to have terrorists released back to the battlefield and rejoining the fight to kill Soldiers and Marines, all for the purpose of appeasing a campaign promise.
Having served at Guantanamo Bay and in Iraq, I witnessed the cause of radical Islamists on two vital fronts. I saw how my fellow soldiers risked their lives in battle to capture these terrorists and the hard work and professionalism it took to hold them at Guantanamo Bay. Additional releases such as this will make the continuing mission of our troops far more dangerous and deadly.”
Anyway, I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD, something I wasn't exactly happy about. Why? I just want to go on living my life. I've been pretending nothing is wrong with me for years and suddenly there's a name attached to it. I spoke with my doc today about anxiety, anger, stress, and depression. I won't go into all the details, but wanted to focus on something he told me just before we ended.
What is the leading cause of PTSD in civilians in America? It's an interesting question because most people don't think about PTSD as a civilian issue. Yet, it is. The difference is in how civilians deal with it. The number one cause of PTSD in civilians is a car crash. Yet, most people don't exhibit signs of PTSD. Why is that? When a civilian survives a catastrophic event like a violent car wreck, they still need to get places. They get a new or used car to replace the wrecked one and continue on with their lives. It's hard at first, especially when they see similar cars to the one they were driving in or the one with which they crashed. Or when they pass the location where the wreck took place.
However they do it, the fact that they continue to face their fears of driving out of necessity helps them to overcome the root causes of PTSD. Eventurally, they learn not to be afraid of driving because they are doing it so much without incident and their symptoms slowly disappear. So, I told him, the answer is simple. I just need to go back to Iraq, right? No. I need to confront those events (or spikes) that have contributed to my PTSD. How can I do that? The same way I did it when I started this blog five years ago – by writing.
I've published an edited version of my journal before, but I've never written about those events in detail and some I didn't publish at all. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that publicly or if I even want to, but I've decided to write my experiences down privately. One day, like my journal, I hope to publish it for others to read and identify or find solace with.
So, CJ, what's with the title? I have a LOT of survivor's guilt that I've lived with for years. I ask that question often about why did I come home? If there is a purpose behind it, have I served that purpose already? If so, then what? That's a lot of pressure I've put on myself. All I can do is follow the advice of the magnet I keep on back of my van: "Live Honoring America's Fallen."
More to follow.
Posted in Military Perspective, PTSD Perspectives
You know, my mom survived 9/11. She worked in bldg 6 of the WTC and she watched people leap to their deaths and she was on the last ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island before they shut it down. She had severe nightmares and insomnia for a long time. And she just recently got in a squished-between-a-UHaul-and-an-SUV car accident. People survive, but maybe not "well," after going through those things. Maybe she too has PTSD. The civilian version.
Perhaps I should be more patient with her.
And CJ, know yourself this, we love you and are behind you in this journey to get well. *hugs*
I appreciate your sharing PTS issues on the blog. I count myself as one of the lucky many who only experience minor symptoms of PTS, much like anyone who has faced that car accident. My time was quiet, but dangerous. Most of my anxiety and stress was more or less the result of the incomplete mourning process from the death of a friend while deployed (I learned about his death on radio watch with a few hours left in my shift, and couldn't leave my post…). Certainly, one of the ways I've learned, and the way many others have learned to cope with the PTS is to confront it; easier said than done however. Each of us is unique with unique experiences that might now mesh up with someone else's…
…however, sharing your struggle with others will likely bring out others who have been through similar experiences who are able to bring what they have done to the table. Along with the inherent relief getting things off your chest can be. I think the science fiction author and Vietnam Veteran David Drake said it best when he observed bloggers and mentioned how much more important it is for soldiers to write than for people to read what they write (I can't remember which of the four parts of the interview it was on Black Five however…). Being a visual artist, I've noticed my art is a tool for my venting and relief, you are an author (like Mr. Drake), words are your art; its best to use your talents to help yourself through tough times! I certainly will also be keeping you in my prayers (its apparent you also have a great support system of faith and family to back you up too!).
Soldiers use to come back on a slow ship, to a ticker tape parade. Now they jet back the same day they were shooting,to a securely guarded American base. I'm sure the stories that were told on the ship, shocked no one as they were all there, and experienced it. The telling is healing. If you did not get the slow ship then, you can take one now, by telling your story, until it has found it's place.
I had PTSD after an abortion, and years later took a post-abortion Bible study for healing that involved telling, and hearing stories. It changed my life. (Now I help teach these Bible studies.) Everyone else's story sounded worse. Somehow, if I got through it, I thought maybe it wasn't so bad. One day I was in my car listening to my teacher being interviewed on the radio. At the end, she was asked to describe the worse story, and she told mine, without revealing my name. That's when I realized how far I had come.
I had come from the worse story, to knowing that God loved me and forgave me, that I did nothing that surprised Him, as He created me, that He had a purpose for me, and a use for me, even now with my story, and that I could begin again without unworthiness or bitterness, and with joy and deep contentment. He is glad to see me, and desires for me to know Him. He has forgiven me, and His word says that once He does that, He cannot even remember what I did. So why was I limiting who I could be for God, by letting that experience define my future?
I felt so changed during the Bible study, that I went to Mercer Medical School Library, spending several week-ends looking up post abortion syndrome, which is under PTSD. I was worried that I was in a Kool-aid cult, if you know what I mean, as I was so changed by what the word of God said. I felt free from unworthiness, and felt like I could do anything God wanted me to do, and He wanted me to do plenty! It seems that at that time PTSD was considered incurable. But post abortion syndrome had had good results with Bible studies like I had taken.
Pertinent points per the research were to gather, write, and tell, all of the activities, sites, smells, sounds, thoughts, emotions, and sounds related to the situation and the aftermath. (This can take a long time, if it is buried. Hearing other's stories helps.) The point of this is that giving God a nebulous feeling surrounding an issue, is not giving Him all of it. If you list every cause, action, circumstance, feeling (no matter how outrageous), and thought (No matter how petty.), he will be able to take it completely.
Also compare this to what the word of God says. I am with you always.-Ask God exactly where he was standing and what He was doing during this time. You will be surprised at the answer to your heart. I died so that all will be forgiven and healed. Note He said ALL. etc. Also present the Gospel, in a desirable way, so that the participants can receive salvation .
Also, have a memorial service where we gave a small testimony, and proclaimed who we are now, and where our babies are (in heaven), and what we are going to do with this healing (help others, etc.). A spouse or family member may stand up at the podium also, and add something. At times audience members, or visiting clergy may add something. An ordained pastor is always there, and he speaks. We have music, Bible reading-we each pick a meaning verse to us and read it, flowers that we receive when we speak with our babies names on them (military situations-you could use locations or events tied to each rose), candles that we light when we speak, a certificate of life that our baby did live (in our womb-complete with name), and guests that were important to us that we invite. This expresses the importance of what we experienced, that it was significant, can be memorialized, and put into place, then we can go on.
The research said that the most significant factor for success was communion. So have communion at the memorial service. It is a documented miracle producing ingredient for believers! And this is not a kool-aid cult, it is just the freedom that God gives to those who are His. Receive it!!!
CJ, The "Why Me" Question? Simply put, you are the *right person at the right time, with the right skills and right background to answer the right questions.* This also has added an additional right wisdom. As you well know, I could not do what you do so well. You know this so well, because of a failure of mine during an April Fools' prank. You are *valued* because you are you.
I read this earlier and decided to respond. Take care, CJ.
As Always
Grumpy
As to “why not me”…if you believe in God, maybe He brought you back to witness to others through your blog, or do something in your training that will save the life of one of your men who will go on to become President or a great Chef, or something. Maybe there is a T out there somewhere that God thinks needs killing and you are the one to do it. Or maybe it was just the luck of the draw. I know you miss your friends and will remember stuff for the rest of your life, but wondering why you made it back is wasting time. It cannot be answered. The least you can do is live your life in honor of those who didn’t make it back and share your experiences in a way that may inspire others.
Now… if you do come to Georgia, I would be honored to fill you full of Buffalo Wings and a pitcher of beer and laugh at a few dumb jokes. No PTSD discussions because I don‘t feel like talking about mine and I know you may not with a stranger; just giving an old man the opportunity to show appreciation. If you can swing it, email me at johnjudyc@att.net. If not, cool. Take care!
CJ, I think you're very courageous to put yourself out there like you have. I too think that writing down what happened to you will help you find closure and healing. Please know, as I'm SURE you do, you're not alone when you speak of survivors guilt. My dad was a police officer for over 30 years. He worked off duty jobs to make extra money so we could eat. Well one night he had a buddy take his off duty job for him. It was at the Grey Hound bus station. A fight broke out in the parking lot and the Officer who worked in my dad's place was named Mark MacPhail, a former Ranger. When Officer MacPhail went to break up the fight he got into a struggle and was shot and killed. Had he not worked for my dad..it could have been my dad who was shot..who knows. But he left behind a wife and young son. This was almost 20 years, but it seems like yesterday. I will never forget the look of despair on my dad's face at the funeral. How he had trouble looking at the son and the widow of Officer MacPhail.
Now everyone is forced to relive it over and over because the man who shot him is now national news. Troy Anthony Davis is a celebrity now because witnesses are recanting their stories. He has had several execution dates set. But keeps getting one more chance..something he didn't give Officer MacPhail.
So..yes, CJ…writing about it will help you heal. This was the first time I told the above story..maybe I can heal some too.
Big Hugs!
My son will be home for the first time after finishing his 1st deployment in Afghanistan. I want you to know, by you opening up and sharing personal insight's it helps us family members better reconize when a returning Soldier might need help. It also teaches us, here back at home to practice paience and understanding. Perhaps, you are still here because your word's can teach and help many families going through this.
CJ-
This quote is attributed to Mother Theresa, but whether it really is hers or not, take it to heart because I think it's true for all of us:
"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
Hang in there because clearly someone trusts you quite a bit. Thanks for all you do.
Hi CJ: I enjoy your blog very much and found it through the Blackfive site. My husband and I have have 3 wonderful sons and I believe with all my heart that you and other soldiers like you are ultimately making the world a better place for my kids. Thanks for taking on the bad guys. God bless you!
CJ,
I am so sorry that you suffer so. I would not wish PSTD on anyone. I was a victim of horrendous sexual abuse and there are still triggers that get to me.
Civilians do suffer from PTSD. It is debilitating. Most of the time I believe PTSD is the result of horrendous crime against a person. Maybe that is why people can walk away from a car crash? If there is no violence and loss of life, it is not as traumatic. Not sure.
I have asked the Why me all my life. I still wait on an answer to that.
I do know that it hasn't killed me and therefore it has made me stronger.
We all have crosses to bear. Yours is just different and you suffer for an honorable cause. For that I am sorry.
What has helped has been years and years of therapy. In that therapy, EMDR or Rapid Eye Movement Therapy helped the most to ease the reoccurring pain. Try to find a private therapist who practices EMDR. You feel like crap when the session is over because you have to work through the trauma, but as time goes by it slowly gets foggy and the pain is not there just the memories. I can live with foggy.
Lots of prayer also works for me.
Thank you for your service to your country. I am sorry for your ongoing suffering.
[...] he needed to get him through. I had seen CJ's post in March; around June or July, CJ himself came to grips with his own need to reach out for professional help and was diagnosed with PTSD. Chris ended his [...]