Coping With The Stigma
December 25th, 2009 by CJ
My recent battles with local school officials have highlighted the ignorance of American Society with respect to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When other families and I got upset about an untimely policy decision and an out of control principal and PTA president, they singled me out and used my battle with PTSD to bolster their claims that I'm a threat.
The Army and military at large are working overtime to find ways to remove the stigma of PTSD within the force. It involves a change in the mindset of troops, some of whom have looked at any mental health issue as a defect and weakness for years. As part of my role as a senior NCO, I came forward about my battles with the anxiety disorder as a way to combat that belief and get troops to trust us when we say it's okay to seek help. I wanted to lead from the front on this issue.
According to the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), PTSD is an anxiety disorder that can occur after you have been through a traumatic event. A traumatic event is something horrible and scary that you see or that happens to you. During this type of event, you think that your life or others' lives are in danger. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening.
Anyone who has gone through a life-threatening event can develop PTSD. These events can include:
* Combat or military exposure
* Child sexual or physical abuse
* Terrorist attacks
* Sexual or physical assault
* Serious accidents, such as a car wreck.
* Natural disasters, such as a fire, tornado, hurricane, flood, or earthquake.
PTSD is not limited to combat actions and is not a violent disorder. There are some who can become violent, but for the most part, it isn't. The problem is that the media image of PTSD involves linking crimes committed by troops to the disorder and giving the impression that ALL Soldiers are pre-disposed to violence if they are diagnosed. This is simply not true. Service members with PTSD who commit crimes commit crimes because they're criminals! Using PTSD as an excuse for illegal behavior is a cop-out and a true sign of weakness.
The principal at my kids' school sought to capitalize on the public perception of PTSD and use it for her own gain to discredit me. The problem is that my PTSD has nothing to do with violence. So, let me tell you what I deal with on a daily basis.
I've had nightmares for years which began to get worse the past couple of years. These nightmares involve certain experiences I had in combat. One of them I documented in a journal entry titled "My Crispy Guy Extraction Kit." On 6 April 2003, I wrote the following post from my position just south of Baghdad and after the first "Thunder Run" into the city:
A little later in the day a guy came to us and asked if we could escort him to pick up the remains of one of his family members killed by one of our tanks. He said that he was afraid to approach the vehicle for fear that he would be shot as well and they wanted to give him a proper burial. We escorted him out to a burnt out car where inside was the extremely fried corpse of his son, slightly hunched over towards the passenger side of the vehicle. The family broke down immediately and I couldn't stand to look or smell it myself. I felt desperately bad for the family and for the first time actually started to feel remorse for my presence. I left the family for a few minutes to gather myself and just recollect.
When I returned the family was trying to get the corpse out of the vehicle but they didn't have anything with them. It just so happened that I had about 5 pairs of rubber gloves that I kept in my pocket for administering first aid to Iraqis as well as some 550 cord and large trash bags. I don't know why I had that stuff, but it became apparent it was exactly what we needed. As we pulled the son from the car, parts of his body were seared into the vehicle. As we pulled on the torso, his legs came apart from it and we had to get them out separately. When we fully reclined the body to pull it out of the vehicle, a wet substance began oozing from wounds in the back of the head. They say that when your brain is damaged it becomes complete mush. This was unbearable and I almost lost the contents of my stomach. It took some time, but we were able to gather all the body pieces from the car and place them in the garbage bag. When we were done, the family thanked us profusely and invited us to be guests of honor at the funeral. We felt awkward accepting an invitation like that and told the family that they should have a private funeral. They offered us food or water (which we politely declined) and we went on our way.
The image and smell of that body, the first one I had to encounter so close in such a condition, continues to haunt me. I dream often about that event and at one point, the corpse comes alive and tries to grab me. At that moment, I'm jolted from my sleep in a sweat, breathing heavily.
I get extremely nervous in crowded situations and become hyper-sensitive to my surroundings. Before entering any building I make a quick survey of all people around me and seek out any and all exits. I sit with my back to a wall so I have a good view of people approaching me. I get startled and anxious at unexpected and loud noises. What I don't get is violent. What I don't do is threaten people. I'm a very blunt and impassioned person who has strong beliefs. When you challenge those beliefs, I CAN get loud and some can get intimidated by that bluntness.
One of the common features of troops suffering from PTSD is anger. When initially confronted with an extreme threat, anger is a normal response to terror, events that seem unfair, and feeling out of control or victimized. Anger doesn't always translate into violence. Civilized people know how to intelligently deal with anger and find outlets for it. I like to think I'm one of those civilized individuals. But, I won't sit back and be steamrolled or treated disrespectfully. I refuse to be bullied by ANYONE, especially people charged with educating my children. Especially people who work for ME. When I – or any citizen for that matter – have a question for an elected or government official, we [both] deserve and demand a response.
We're working on removing the stigma of PTSD within the military, but I don't see seeking treatment as a problem within this community. The problems I've encountered going public about my battle with PTSD have all been within my civilian community. People just don't understand anything about the disorder. All they know is what they hear. We need to get more stories out there about Soldiers with PTSD who aren't criminals. Soldiers who have found ways to cope with their emotions, experiences, and anxiety.
I'm not perfect in those areas, but I had the pleasure of being helped by a GREAT doctor at Redstone Arsenal. I've asked him to come on the radio show or let me write openly about him, but he doesn't want the attention. He enjoys what he does and what he does he does well. Before I left, I told him that he may have ruined my experiences from here on out. I will judge every therapist according to the standard that he set. When I needed him, he was there. When I felt like I was about to implode, he was there. He gave me his personal phone number and always made himself available. He wasn't overly critical and helped me work through personal issues. As I debated various courses of action during extreme times of stress, he cautioned me not to make any big decisions in my current frame of mind.
Since going public about PTSD, I've gotten a lot of encouraging emails from across the force. I've been saddened by some stories from troops who didn't feel like they were getting the type of support that I feel like I've gotten. I grew to love and admire the various other veterans, current and former, whom I met with in weekly group therapy. I was privileged to discuss my experiences with veterans from Vietnam, Korea, Desert Storm, Haiti, and others. I learned a lot from these men and realized how lucky I am to have the support structure I have in this day and age. Some of these brave heroes didn't seek help for more than 40 years because of the "stigma" of mental disorders. I don't know how I survived six years and hearing these men's stories gave me confidence and optimism.
Had I not sought help when I did, I ran the risk of ending up the way many of them did – divorced and drinking heavily. It's no secret that many troops facing PTSD have turned to drugs and/or alcohol which has caused strains on otherwise great marriages. I found a way to prevent that from happening and I'm going to discuss it in my next post.
In the meantime, if you're a Soldier who is suffering from PTSD let me leave you with these quick words of advice. There is hope! You are normal. Life IS worth living! Suicide (and homicide) is NOT an option and will NOT help. Hang in there and please contact me if you don't think you can wait until I write my next post.
For you ignorant buffoons out there that don't understand PTSD and want to paint us with a broad brush, please read THIS website.
Tags: post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD Perspectives, veterans affairs
Posted in PTSD Perspectives
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CJ~
I continue to be amazed at your strength. I don't know that I would be able to deal with what you have experienced. I am SO proud of you!
G R E A T A R T I C L E!
Oh, and I'm so sorry about your nightmares. Maybe one day you can write about how you handle them.
One thing that I think is underplayed is that caretakers of those with PTSD or chronic anxiety and depression often fall victim to a sense of hopelessness, anxiety and depression. The day in and day out of living with someone with an "altered reality" can be life altering and can leave on feeling confused and angry.
Counseling and also group support can be a wonderful thing for someone who is helping a loved one with PTSD or other mental health challenges. NAMI is a great group for caretakers. Their programs are free and ongoing, and are in many communities! I've used them myself, when going through the endless obstacle course of raising an autistic son.
CJ, Last night, I took the liberty of visiting 'Vimeo' and watching the 'School Meeting', to put it politely. It was in two parts and I watched both. My major goal was to do an assessment and analysis on the real 'players' in this opera. This means looking at the minutiae of their actions and group dynamics. Perfection, no, it'll never happen.
Let's take some of the issues, one by one. There was one individual who raised a question about the education of the speaker. She said, something to the effect of this, ' You don't know how much education I have.' This is not germane, the real answer is this,'This is how much of my education I actually *apply*.
The last section will deal with the man who made a slur against the Military, the whole tone of the meeting and the uniforms.
There was once an old saying, 'People may think you're a fool, but don't open your mouth and prove it.' What are the real issues?
There was an itinerant rabbi teaching around the Shore of the Sea of Galilee, his name was Jesus. The first concept he taught was, 'Follow me.' It was *not* wear this uniform. CJ, you made the choice to wear the uniform of the US Military. The Principal expects the students to follow rules, but they will only follow her example. Just like Jesus, her students, and parents expect *even her* to follow the rules. Rules are not unique to the Military.
*Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!*
Grumpy
I’ve been following the story since it hit the papers, but I just saw the videos on Vimeo today – it was utterly disgusting. The actions and attitude of the PTA officials and school officials were reprehensible. I’m frankly amazed, just amazed, at the ignorance and unprofessionalism of the PTA officers.
There is nothing I say, to support the rebellion of the Principal of the school. Rebellion is like a viral spirit that infects everyone who comes in contact with it. Teach first, by example and then and *only* then, by precept.
Those in authority have no right to expect submission from those under them, while the authority is acting in a spirit of rebellion.
Please *do not answer to me, this is only between you and both of your counsels*. How many of the families going to that school, who knew of the uniforms *and* were from Redstone Arsenal?
GodSpeed,
Grumpy
CJ that is a great post! Thank you so much for sharing. I just read it to my hubby and he can relate to it from Viet Nam. He said it all sounds like his feelings exactly. As you stated, all these years later and he has coped with it by himself because after VN they didn't offer much assistance with issues like that therefore MANY ended up on the streets, drugging, drinking and suicides. Luckily Bob has survived but I have gotten him to talk to me about it some and that may have helped, who knows? God Bless you CJ and you are in my prayers always along with all the others, including my own Son, who have those horrible reminders of war.
Least I forget..my Grandson too. And I think the younger you are like Jon; the harder it is on them. At least my hubby was a little older in VN.
Thank you for highlighting my EXACT struggles. I wish there was a way to make the public understand that their fears are only fears. I hate being treated like there is something horribly wrong with me because they just don't understand.
Keep up what you're doing. My prayers are with you.
Merry Christmas!!
CJ, thank you for shining the light of clarity on PTSD. We all have some form of it. We are a sum-total of our life experiences. Stress is hypnotic and we all face it, a sudden shock or emotional trauma, as you stated so many things imprint upon us and stay with us inside.
I have found that our minds torment us all. It is in our incessant thinking that we relive our past. I even found ancient writings that spoke of "the wheel of the mind" and that resonated with me.
I am 52 and in the 70s I weighed 300lbs! I was eating but really something was eating at me. I lost all of that weight and for all of these years & through two pregnancies I only put 20lbs of that back on.
We all have "our demons" to face. I found a way to stand back from my incessant thoughts instead of being captivated by them, and I heard it said once that I was "sinking in my thinking and drowning in my dreams." That, too hit me as exactly true.
If you will allow me to mention the 501c once again that I donate to monthly, it is that Col. Antonio Monaco found the "silver bullet" that truly exists and it worked for me. I was using the Civilian Form of what he has rediscovered and packaged for the military and Veterans.
This free gift is given from patriotoutreach.org and
IT WORKS!! Troops have reported literal healing from PTSD using the "Coping Strategies" offered there. I hope and pray others will hear about this from here and use it, as we ALL need something like this in some form or another.
My Hubby is a Vietnam Veteran, and he has his copy of the Strategies, as do both of our son-in-laws, one a Marine and the other a soldier that's been to Iraq twice and probably going to Afghanistan by June.
God bless you, CJ and I hope you do run for public office in the future. Thank you for being so open and sharing here. Lastly, thank you for allowing me to, also.
Outstanding writing and excellent insights.
Another thing with the civilian world and PTSD…my lawyer friend tells me that often it is used against soldiers in custody battles and things like that. "He has PTSD from combat, of course he shouldn't be allowed custody of his children.."
Quoting you CJ, "I'm a very blunt and impassioned person who has strong beliefs. When you challenge those beliefs, I CAN get loud and some can get intimidated by that bluntness."
So, the way you stood up for yourself, your frustration, and bluntness are just who you are not a part of your PTSD, they need to understand that, but don't.
Seriously CJ, I understand how you feel about the stigma. I deal with stigma too, not because I have PTSD (I don't), but I do have another anxiety disorder: OCD. Everyone that hears that thinks of the TV show Monk. I'm not like Monk. I can laugh at some of his behaviors because yes, unfortunately, they are somewhat familiar. However, OCD has different "levels" of functionality and I'm much more functional than Monk. I rarely tell people what I have because they remember either Monk or some 20/20 special they saw about some guy who had been living in the bathroom for the past 2 years and won't come out. Yes, there are people with OCD that do that, but a SMALL percentage. I usually will just say I have an "anxiety disorder" because it's so much more tame sounding.
So, yeah, I understand the stigma and the reluctance to get help. *sigh*
Another excellent article…sure do wish that when #1 Son was active he would have had an NCO like you unfortunately he didn't so as soon as his active time was up there was no way he'd stay in. Will continue to pray for you and yours as you continue on in this "battle".
Wow~ I am a student at a local college and doing research on Military PTSD because when my boyfriend comes home from deployment I want to be able to be as supportive and understand as much as possible. Your story is amazing and puts a lot of things into perspective very clearly. I want to thank you for your service and I also want to thank you for this article~ it's amazing. I try and understand as much as possible, but all I can do is listen and be there for him as a loving ear. Please if you have anymore resources for me, please let me know either for him and I or even for my understanding in regards in my research paper. My paper is also being used to help him as well. He does know I am doing this and is very impressed that I am trying to understand as much as I can to better assist him into transition. Thank you again for this and an even BIGGER THANK YOU for your service